Mary Anne's Depression Month
by MaryAnnefan4Life
Summary: Poor Mary Anne! She felt depressed when she thinks of her best friend, Kayla, who was gone for a year. Kaylee emailed Mary Anne on what she did to honor her sister. Plus, Mary Anne had a scary moment in Iowa that made her feel miserable even more. When she will ever get better?


The Baby-Sitters Club belong to Ann M. Martin.

*warning*- A character talks about suicide.

I was doing homework in my room. I couldn't focus for some reason, so I decided to take a short break. Luckily, Dad had just gotten home from work early. I was having a snack. I'm diabetic, but it's easy to handle it.

"Hi, you're home early," I said.

"My office just lost power, so Mark decided to close it for the day," said Dad.

"Wow, I'm just taking a break from homework for a snack," I said.

After that, I managed to focus on my homework. Having a snack really helped me.

I'm Mary Anne Spier. I'm 16 years old and an just became a 11th grader at Portland Voc-Tech High School in Portland, Maine. Dad was promoted and transferred here recently from Stoneybrook, Connecticut. I didn't want to move because it was my home. My grandmother was supposed to join us, but her friend died before, so her house is up for sale and will join us once it's sold.

That night, I wasn't hungry all of the sudden. I'm not so sure why because of my diabetes, I'm not supposed to skip any meals.

Another reason I didn't want to move is that my best friend, Kayla, was suffering from cancer. Sadly, she died a year ago. It was on a Monday. I was praying for her in church. I miss her. She got rushed to the hospital after church and I had to help Kaylee watch the younger siblings. When I learned Kayla had 24 to 48 hours to live, I was terrified. Kaylee and I had just saw Kayla just a few hours before she passed.

I was depressed for several weeks. We were close and I still suffer from it often. In fact, I didn't tell anyone that it will be almost a year coming up right after I return from Iowa. I can't wait for that though and hope it would keep my mind off Kayla while I'm there. Kaylee decided to join me, so I plan to drive to Stoneybrook and we would be flying together. She keeps herself busy from missing her sister. I got my license after I came to join my family. I did it after my 16th birthday. I was in Mexico at the time they came here, so I couldn't join right away.

After dinner, I excused from myself from helping out from the kitchen.

"What's wrong with Mary Anne tonight?" asked Meredith.

"She's just tired, that's all," replied my father.

"But she wasn't eating much. Did you notice that?" asked Carlos.

"Honestly, no," said Dad.

"Maybe she can't wait to spend time in Iowa for Spring Break," guessed Meredith.

"I know. She plans to drive to Stoneybrook and then, she and Kaylee would be flying to Iowa together," said Dad.

"I think I just figured it out why she was acting that way tonight. Isn't it almost a year since Kayla has been dead?" asked Dawn in a low voice.

"I bet that might be the answer," said Meredith.

"A year already?" asked Carlos.

"I got a feeling she's going to be depressed thinking about that," said Dad.

"We better not ask her that yet because you don't want her to be miserable in Iowa," said Carlos.

"I agree," said Dad.

"Therefore, you better not tell her, Dawn," warned Meredith.

"I would never do that," said Dawn.

At 10:00 pm, Meredith came in while I was reading in bed.

"We were concerned about you," said Meredith as she got into bed.

"I'm just tired. A long day in school drains me. I think that's why I wasn't hungry or didn't help you in the kitchen tonight," I said.

"That's okay," said Meredith.

I felt bad for lying, but I don't feel like getting depressed right now especially before leaving for Iowa.

In the middle of the night, I was wide awake for some reason. Then, it dongs on me. I hope I won't think about it in Iowa to have a good time. I worry about it. I got up and went downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Dad probably knew I was up because he spotted me downstairs and came down to be with me.

"Are you okay? I noticed you were up," said Dad as he sat at the table with me.

"I couldn't sleep," I said.

"Is something bugging you?" asked Dad.

"Just that, I know when Kayla's anniversary comes around, it will bother me a lot. It will be here right after I get back from Iowa," I said.

"Almost a year already?" asked Dad as I nodded.

"I hope visiting Iowa would keep me busy," I said wiping my tears thinking about it.

"I'm sure it will, sweetie," said Dad stroking my hair.

"I still miss her so much. There's not one day when I don't think of her," I said. "I'm sure it would keep Kaylee busy."

The next day, I suspect that I'm starting to get depressed because I didn't pay much attention in my classes.

"Are you okay?" asked April. "You have been quiet."

"My mind is on Kayla," I replied.

"Really?" asked April.

"Yes, she would be dead for a year next month," I said.

"Wow," said April. "At least you get to spend time with her before you moved here."

"That's true," I said. "I thought about that, too."

After school, I drove to Stoneybrook. I arrived there a few hours later. I'll be staying at the Willis' house overnight because when Kaylee gets out of school, we would be going to the airport. Our flight is at 4:00 pm.

That night, I wasn't myself tonight.

"I noticed you're not yourself tonight. Is everything alright?" asked Kaylee, who noticed that.

"I have been feeling down lately," I said.

"What are you upset about?" asked Kaylee.

"I started to think about Kayla these days. It's almost a year since she's been gone and I know it's going to bother me," I said.

"Wow. That's already coming up after we come back?" asked Kaylee as I nodded.

"But I don't want to mention it to anyone so I can enjoy my trip," I said. "I wasn't going to be depressed over there during Spring Break."

"I don't blame you," said Kaylee.

"I can't wait to see Michelle tomorrow," I said.

"I remember her. She was here with her grandmother after Kayla died," said Kaylee.

"What I liked about her she knew how I felt since she lost her best friend of the same illness before we met," I said.

"Mary Anne, you can leave your car here. We can pick up Kaylee after school and I'll take you both to the airport," said Mrs. Willis.

"Okay," we said.

The next day, Mrs. Willis picked Kaylee up from school and took us to the airport.

We didn't wait for long when our plane arrived. Once everyone got off, we went in and sat down. A few hours later, we were in Iowa. Bob's mom, Tina, was there when we got our suitcases.

"Hi. Your grandmother asked me to get you and your friend because she was making dinner. She didn't want to burn anything when she's not home," said Tina.

"Okay," said Kaylee.

"That was a good idea to do," I said.

"I know," said Tina. "By the way, Bob is being punished all this week, so I told him not to call you or hang out with you."

"What happen?" I asked.

"He had a detention after he got caught cheating on a test. It happened last Thursday," said Tina.

"That would teach him," I said.

"He's disappointed, but I told him he should've thought about that before," said Tina.

"I agree," I said.

We left for Grandma Verna's and we were there about ten minutes later. We thanked Tina and went inside.

"Hi, Grandma," I said.

"Hi. Just in time, dinner's ready," said Grandma Verna.

"Great," said Kaylee.

"I have some news, Mary Anne," said Grandma Verna. "I'll be going back with you after Spring Break ends because my house got sold to a young couple who were buying their first home. They just got married."

"That's good," I said.

"I already called your father before you came," said my grandmother.

I skipped the turnips because I get an upset stomach for some reason. Grandma knew about it and doesn't mind. After dinner, Kaylee and I were in my room.

In the middle of the night, I woke up in the middle of a bad dream I was having. I was looking for Kayla after she got kidnapped. Why did it had to happen in Iowa? I'm here to keep her off my mind. I got up and went downstairs to have some water. Kaylee must have known I was up because she came down and saw me.

"I didn't hear you get up," said Kaylee.

"I just had a bad dream. Kayla was kidnapped and I woke up looking for her," I said. "I'm not sure why I had that because I came to keep my mind off from missing Kayla. I said to myself, why did it have to happen."

"I know," said Kaylee holding my hand. "Try not to think about it."

"Thank god you're here to keep me busy," I said.

"True," said Kaylee.

Ever since Kayla's death, Kaylee and I became closer than ever. We help each other out a lot. Then, we went back to bed after I finished water.

The next day, Grandma Verna made waffles.

"I'm can't wait to see Michelle today," I said.

"That's good," said Grandma Verna. "I think she'll be glad to see you, too."

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

"She has been depressed lately," said Grandma Verna.

"That must because of her friend's death, right?" I asked as she nodded. "I know the feeling."

"I know," said Grandma Verna.

"But she didn't look depressed when she visited me with you last year because she knew what I went through," I said.

"I didn't recall seeing her depressed, either. She looked happy to me," said Kaylee.

"I think she wants to see you in private," said my grandmother.

"I don't mind staying here with you while Mary Anne sees Michelle alone," said Kaylee.

After we had breakfast, we got dressed and I left for the beauty shop. Michelle's mom, Ella, owns it in her own home. When I got there, Ella said, "Hi."

"Hi," I said. "How's Michelle? Grandma told me she's been depressed."

"Yes," said Ella.

"I suffer from it, too," I said. "What I don't get is that she wasn't even depressed when she told me about her friend's death because she knew what I went through."

"Good point," said Ella.

I managed to see Michelle who was glad to see me.

"Can we talk in my room?" asked Michelle.

"Sure," I said as we went to her room. "What's up?"

"I want to join Madeline," said Michelle.

"I bet. You will someday," I said.

"What I'm saying is that I plan to kill myself," said Michelle. "I don't want anyone to know."

That was when my heart started racing. I don't need to lose another friend.

"What did you had in mind?" I urged her.

"My plan to hang myself with a rope," said Michelle. "I have been so depressed that I can't take it anymore."

"I bet, but I remembered when you helped me out last year when I was like that after Kayla died, remember?" I asked.

"Yes," replied Michelle.

"I also remember you told me that you have Madeline watching over you as a guardian angel. Didn't you give me that advice?" I asked.

"I did," said Michelle.

"Looking back, I felt better knowing you helped me out when you went through the same thing," I said.

Michelle knew I was right. I didn't tell her that I still suffer from depression off and on.

"Now, it's my turn to help out," I said.

"But I still want to kill myself," said Michelle.

Ten minutes later, she made me promise not to tell anyone. Then, that was when I realized that she would be in danger if I kept that promise. I don't need to get depressed even more if she did that. I won't forgive myself if I let that happen. What should I do?

At Grandma's, Kaylee noticed I looked worried about something.

"What's up?" asked Kaylee.

"What did Michelle say to you?" asked my grandmother.

"Kaylee, do you mind if I speak to Grandma Verna alone for one moment?" I asked.

"Sure," said Kaylee as she went upstairs.

"What is it?" asked Grandma Verna.

"Michelle plans to join her best friend," I said. "As in she wants to kill herself."

"Really?" asked Grandma Verna.

I told her everything and what I said to Michelle.

"I tried everything, but she still wants to do it. She made me promise not to say anything, but I knew I shouldn't keep that promise because if I kept quiet and something happens, I'd feel guilty," I said. "It's bad enough I lost Kayla last year."

"You're right about that," said Grandma Verna.

"I don't know what to do," I said. "I would _never_ think about killing myself while I'm depressed because I used to see Dr. Reece before I moved away."

"You can call the shop and tell Ella about what's going on," said Grandma Verna.

"I'm thinking about the same thing," I said.

Then, I realized I better do that- quick. I went to the phone and called the shop.

When Ella answered, I whispered into the phone in case Michelle's around, "Michelle's going to kill herself. You better get help and fast."

"Okay. Thanks for telling me," said Ella.

"She didn't want me to say anything, but I felt that I should before it's too late," I said.

"You did the right thing, Mary Anne. I'll get help now," said Ella.

I felt better knowing I did the right thing and went to Grandma Verna.

"Ella was glad that I told her," I said. "I don't need to lose another friend, especially during Spring Break."

"I don't blame you. You had a hard enough time to lose your two other friends," said Grandma Verna.

"I got over Amelia, but I'm still having a hard time missing Kayla," I said.

After we talked, I went to join Kaylee.

"What was happening with Michelle?" asked Kaylee.

"She wanted to kill herself," I replied. "Thank god Grandma advised me to call the shop line and tell Ella, so that's what I just did."

"Good," said Kaylee.

"Michelle tried to make me promise not to tell anyone, but I remembered this was when I can tell an adult I trust to keep a friend safe. If I kept silent and if that did happen, I would never forgive myself," I said.

"I agree," said Kaylee. "Telling Michelle's mom is better than losing another friend."

"That's what I said to myself," I said. "The way things are going, April and May wouldn't be my favorite months anymore because of losing my friends that way."

"I know," said Kaylee.

"Glad I lost Amelia after Christmas Vacation. Otherwise, I won't have a good Christmas," I said.

"Michelle is lucky she's got a good friend like you," said Kayla. "Most suicidal teens are lonely without anyone to chat with."

"I would never thought about killing myself because I had help," I said.

"That's true," said Kaylee. "Plus, you have me."

"Exactly," I said.

Later, I think Michelle realized she was glad that I got help for her because she thanked me on the phone. At least she didn't get mad at me.

"I'm glad I can help you out," I said.

"I know. I never realized how lucky I am to have a friend to talk to," said Michelle.

"After all, I'm a good listener," I said. "I didn't want to lose another friend."

"I get what you mean now," said Michelle.

I kept myself busy from missing Kayla all this week. I'm glad. When we got back from Iowa, I was still glad that I saved Michelle. Mrs. Willis picked us up from the airport. When we got there, I put my suitcase in my trunk.

"I have my car now, so I'll take you with me," I said.

"Oh, good," said Grandma Verna. "Do you have enough room for my stuff?"

"We can put some in the backseat," I replied.

I helped her out with that.

"Thank you," said Grandma Verna.

"No problem," I said.

My car is like a minivan. My dad helped me out with that. We arrived in Maine a few hours later. Grandma would be having the guestroom since Meredith and I didn't want to get separated. We always share my room since she first became the exchange student in Stoneybrook.

That night, I was quiet the whole time. I was also in my room.

"I'm concerned about Mary Anne. She's been quiet every since she got Iowa," said Dad.

"That's strange," said Dawn.

"Mary Anne had a tough moment in Iowa at the beginning," said Grandma Verna. "But I'll let her to tell you about it."

"Okay," said Dad.

Later, Dad came in to be with me.

"I was worried about you. You didn't say a word," said Dad.

"I almost had a scary moment in Iowa," I replied.

"What scared you?" asked Dad as he sat on the bed.

"Michelle wanted to see me. It turned she wanted to join her best friend. She couldn't take depression any longer," I said.

"I bet," said Dad.

"That part was added that she wanted to kill herself," I said. "She almost didn't want me to say anything, but I knew I shouldn't keep that promise because I'd feel bad if that did happen. She planned to hang herself with a rope. I was able to tell Grandma Verna who told me to tell Ella right away. Thank god I did that because it's bad enough Kayla's anniversary is coming up. I told Kaylee the way things are going, April and May would've been tougher for me."

"I'm glad you did the right thing," said Dad. "That must have bothered you."

"Not at first, but it started to bug me when I got back," I said. "Michelle was glad that I helped her."

"She's lucky to have you to help her. At least you were there at the right time," said Dad.

"I thought about it," I said. "I'm sure she'd still tell me on her cell phone either way."

Later, I was in the living room watching the DVD that Kayla and Kaylee made me for Christmas. I started to think about Kayla—thank god I didn't think about it in Iowa. When it burnt from a house fire, they made another one for me. The scrapbook got burnt, but they made that, too. I'm glad they did before Kayla's illness returned.

"It's getting late," said Dad.

"I know. I just wanted to watch the video. Missing Kayla still hurts," I said.

"I'm sure it does," said Dad.

I stayed up a bit longer until the DVD ended. I didn't get to sleep right away.

The next day, I figured going to school might help me. Somehow, it did. I didn't tell anyone about it. April was the only one who knew about it when I called her about it last night. She understood and didn't blame me for it. I was afraid for my grades to fall behind.

A few weeks later, Kaylee called me and said, "I think we should do something for Kayla's anniversary."

"Like what?" I asked.

"We'll think of something," said Kaylee. "Remember when we do fundraisers to raise money for cancer?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I think we can do that in her honor. She would've wanted us to do that," said Kaylee.

"I suppose so," I said. "I don't want to think about that right now. We did that once before and it kept her alive. We did it again when Kayla's illness came back and we tried everything we could do until she died."

"I bet that still bothered you," said Kaylee.

"It does," I said.

"As long as you and I do it together, you'll make out fine," said Kaylee. "In fact, they're having a mass for her anniversary on a Tuesday mass, so we can just do that instead."

"Maybe I'll come down for that," I said. "Or I'll pray for her here."

"It's up to you," said Kaylee. "Either way is fine with me."

I felt bad for not being excited about it, but I'd be afraid it could bug me in church. I was very supportive. I would take over if Kayla's too tired to help Kaylee to watch her siblings.

The odd part is that it hasn't been bugging Kaylee at all. I know she has been trying to help me trying to get me to be strong like her, but it's been so hard to do that.

That night, I was feeling miserable.

"You're not eating too much tonight," said Dad who noticed that.

"Are you thinking about Kayla's anniversary?" asked Dawn.

"To be honest with you, yes," I replied. "Dad, may I leave the table?"

"Of course, honey," said Dad.

I got up without clearing my spot and went up to my room.

"I can tell that she's starting to get depressed again," said Dad. "She told me that Kayla's anniversary would bug her when that day comes."

"I believe that," said Carlos. "She told me that Kaylee called her and was trying to get Mary Anne to do something to honor Kayla in an anniversary, but she didn't want to think about that right now."

"What did Kaylee wanted to do?" asked Dad.

"She wanted to do a fundraiser to raise money for cancer," said Carlos.

"That's probably why she's like that tonight," said Meredith. "Mary Anne told us."

"I bet it still bugs her," said Dad.

"Yes, she told Kaylee that they did everything they could do to keep Kayla alive before she died," said Carlos.

"That's probably why she didn't want to deal with that," said Dad.

"Yes," said Meredith.

"I'm sure she'll come around with that idea," said Dad.

"I doubt it," said Carlos. "Not the way she's feeling right now."

After dinner, Carlos said, "I think we should give Mary Anne more time before she could help us out in the kitchen."

"I think so, too," said Dad. "I'm going to see her."

I was on my bed looking at Kayla's picture in my locket. Well, it was Kayla's, but she gave it to me on the day she died. I bought Kaylee one and she was glad. That helped her more than me.

"Mary Anne," said Dad as he came in. "How are you doing tonight?"

"I feel bad about not being excited about Kaylee's idea, but I just don't want to do that because it would make me wish if Kayla was still alive, we'd keep doing it for her," I said. "Kaylee tried to convince me. She wanted to do it to keep Kayla in her memories."

"I understand if you didn't want to do it," said Dad.

"I don't think Kaylee did," I said.

"I suspect she's just trying to make you happy," said Dad.

"I wish I could pretend I did it for her instead of thinking about her," I said. "Plus, it would be a year on a Tuesday. Kaylee says they're having a mass for her at that day church anyway."

"We can go to that," said Dad.

"I hope I didn't hurt Kaylee for not wanting to do it," I said. "I just miss Kayla so much."

"I know," said Dad.

Luckily, when I called Kaylee back, she didn't seem to be hurt.

"I thought about what you said. I didn't think it would upset you," said Kaylee.

"I'm sorry if I didn't sound excited earlier," I said.

"Don't worry about it. I realized why on that you were like that. It's okay to tell me," said Kaylee.

"Dad understood if I didn't want to do it," I said. "He probably thought you were just trying to make me happy."

"Of course," said Kaylee.

"Yes. He will we would go to that mass for Kayla," I said.

"Oh, good," said Kaylee.

"I'm a bit nervous on how to act in church on that day," I said.

"My family and I are going," said Kaylee. "I liked that priest since he knew how sick Kayla was and kept her in his prayers."

"Me, too, for that matter," I said.

On Monday, after school, we all went to Stoneybrook for overnight and we would leave after the mass for Kayla. We went in Dad's car. We were staying at the Willis'. I would be sharing Kaylee's room. I wasn't hungry. We were having pizza. I can't have it anyway because of process cheese and they didn't add salad or garlic bread.

"I'm worried about Mary Anne because of her diabetes," said Grandma Verna.

"Me, too," said Dad. "Where is she?"

"She's in my room, she's very nervous about tomorrow," said Kaylee.

"I'm sure she is," said Dad.

Later, that night, I didn't sleep. I went downstairs when Dad saw me.

"I thought you would be in bed," said Dad.

"I couldn't go to sleep. I'm just nervous about tomorrow," I said. "I don't know how I could act. I'm worried I'd start crying in mass. That would be so embarrassing."

"I bet," said Dad. "Just remember: it's okay to feel that way."

"I'm glad that scary moment in Iowa went away," I said.

"That's a good sign," said Dad.

"I think because partly I had my mind on Kayla the most," I said. "The only good part is that I would have Kaylee with me."

"True," said Dad.

In the middle of the night, I was dreaming while tossing and turning in bed.

"No, no," I was calling out. "No, no."

I was also moaning in my sleep.

"No, no," I continued.

"Mary Anne," said Kaylee who turned over and went over to me trying to wake me. "Mary Anne."

"No, no," I kept on.

"Mary Anne," said Kaylee as I woke up this time. "You were having a bad dream."

"Sorry I woke you up," I said.

"That's okay. I'm here for you," said Kaylee.

"I wish I could forget Kayla, but it's so hard to do that," I said.

"I bet," said Kaylee. "Why don't you sleep in my bed to make you feel better?"

Somehow, that did help me sleep better.

The next day, I was getting ready for church.

"Are you almost ready?" asked Kaylee

"I'm just fixing my hair," I replied.

At church, I had butterflies in my stomach. Kaylee and I plan to sit together. Her parents didn't mind. During mass, I could feel tears coming down. I talk to the priest when I feel blue. Kaylee took my hand when she noticed that.

After mass, I went to the priest.

"Hi. I was worried when you didn't join in for prayers," said the priest.

"I couldn't stop thinking about Kayla," I said wiping my tears. "It's hard to believe her first anniversary is here."

"Oh, it must be bugging you to think about it," said the priest.

"It's starting to. I'm fine other times," I said. "It's still hard for me to adjust her death."

"I bet," said the priest.

"I was so nervous on how I would act in church," I said.

"I'm sure you were," said the priest as he sat on the bench with me.

Dad was looking for me in the meantime.

"Mary Anne went to the priest to talk to him," said Kaylee.

"She usually does. He helps her when she thinks about Kayla," said Dad.

"It was starting to affect her like she said it would," said Kaylee.

"I noticed that," said Meredith.

"I did, too," said Dad.

"I should get Mary Anne if we want go out for lunch," said Dawn.

"Let her be for a bit," said Dad.

"I'll just go see her if she's okay," said Kaylee.

Kaylee went to join me.

"Hi, Kaylee," said the priest.

"It was a nice mass about Kayla," said Kaylee.

"Thank you," said the priest.

My eyes were red from weeping. After we had a long talk, we met the others in their cars. I was quiet.

"You're quiet this afternoon, honey," said Dad.

"I'm just not in the mood to do much," I said.

"I bet," said Dad. "Want go to _Friendly's_ with us?"

"No, I'm not hungry," I said. "I just want to go back to Kaylee's until we leave."

"Okay," said Dad.

At home, I went to Kaylee's room. In there, I was on Kayla's old bed curling into a ball while crying. The rest came home after lunch.

"Poor Mary Anne had a rough time in church," said Dawn.

"I know, I'll go see her," said Dad.

That was when he knocked on my door and came in to be with me. I was still curled up in ball and weeping.

"I was worried about you," said Dad.

"I just regretted going to mass today," I said.

"Don't feel hard on yourself, sweetie," said Dad.

"I knew I was going to act upset in church while having Kayla on my mind," I said.

"Anyone can feel that way when they think about a loved one or a friend," said Dad.

"I was just trying to be brave like Kaylee is," I said.

"I know you were," said Dad stroking my hair.

"I'm glad she was with me. That's all I cared about it. Talking to the priest helps me a bit," I said.

"Which is a good thing," said Dad.

Then, it was time to head back to Maine.

That night, Dawn came to me and said, "Want to join us to watch a movie?"

"I'm not in the mood right now," I said.

"Are you sure?" asked Dawn.

"Positive," I replied.

"It should keep you busy," said Grandma Verna.

"I know, but I don't like joining anyone," I said.

I went to my room.

Later, I noticed Kaylee emailed me about something on what she did. I read _Loving Memory of Kayla Willis_. At least someone else cared. I noticed they had pictures of her. I wonder that's what Kaylee wanted me to do that with her. Then, she emailed me a shirt.

It's bad enough it was bugging me all day. I told you that I'm sensitive. How can I make it through the day without thinking about it?

That was when Kaylee called me and said, "Did you see what I made you?"

"Yeah. I saw what you did when you emailed me. Was what you wanted me to do with you?" I asked.

"Sort of," replied Kaylee. "I did it yesterday in school."

"Oh," I said.

"I'll mail you that gift," said Kaylee. "It's something that we can wear every year on Kayla's anniversary."

"Maybe," I said. "I haven't thought about that."

"I know she would love you to do that for her," said Kaylee.

"I suppose you're right," I said. "I did tell you it would bug me, remember?"

"I didn't remember you telling me," said Kaylee.

"How you can't remember that? That was the day when we left for Iowa," I said.

"I must have forgotten," said Kaylee.

I couldn't believe she did that without including me. This could cost us a friendship one day. I was in tears after we talked. I was telling Dawn about it.

"How can Kaylee forget it bothered you all day today?" asked Dawn.

"And, I told her, too," I said. "I believe she's changing so much."

"Kristy texted me after she came home from and told me she heard that Cokie told Kaylee that you're changing yesterday," said Dawn. "I don't believe it. Cokie doesn't get how much you miss Kayla. Kristy didn't buy it either."

I was shocked to hear that.

"How can she say that!?" I asked. "I'm the one who have been depressed. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad what she did to keep Kayla in memories, but it's upsetting me already during church."

"Don't listen to Cokie," said Dawn. "I think Kaylee got concerned about you."

"I don't get how Kaylee could forget when I told her it would bother me today when we left for Iowa," I said.

Later, I was on the porch wiping my tears. I was _so_ mad that I threw the shirt out. I know Kaylee worked hard on it, but I was angry at her.

April must have spotted me because she came on the porch to be with me. I texted her about it.

"Are you okay now?" asked April.

"It's all my fault that Kaylee changed," I said.

"No, it's not. You had a rough day when you thought about Kayla today," said April.

"And, why would Kaylee forget that I told her it would bother me on our way to Iowa?" I asked.

"That's odd though," said April.

"I see how she is. She's braver than I am," I said. "It's hard to be brave when you lose a best friend."

"I think she's helping you to be strong, that's all," said April.

"Dawn told me heard Cokie telling Kaylee thinks I am the one who changed. They didn't believe it," I said. "I was angry. How can they both do that to me? It's not my fault that I'm depressed."

I was crying while I was talking to April.

"Did the bulletin board about Kayla's anniversary bother you?" asked April. "I saw the email when you forwarded it to me."

"To be honest, yes. Kaylee made the shirt with Kayla's picture on it without realizing how upset I was getting. I was so mad that I threw that shirt out," I said.

"It'll be okay," said April.

"I miss Kayla. I would go to her if I needed help with anything," I said. "She was like a therapist to me."

"Have you seen her grave yet?" asked April. "That's something you can do on her anniversary."

"I think I went to her grave once," I replied. "I think I will go there. I'll go let Dad know."

"Okay," said April.

Dad thought it would do me good when I called him.

Twenty minutes later, I drove to New York City and went to the grave site and I was sitting by Kayla's grave. I used my money for flowers and put them in the dirt.

"I miss you so much," I said.

I was still sobbing and wiping my tears. Later, I was back in Maine. I was in my room. Dad wasn't home from work. He did tell me I can visit Kayla's grave any time I want even when we're in Maine. I don't have a curfew when I go see her grave site even during the school week. I kind of felt better and part of me isn't. My heart have been broken since Kayla's death.

The doorbell rang. Sharon answered.

"Hi, Kaylee," said my stepmom.

"Is Mary Anne home? I would like to see her," said Kaylee, who must have drove here to see me.

"Sure. Come on in," said Sharon.

I was curled up in a bed when she came and said, "Kaylee's here to see you."

Before I could say anything, Kaylee appeared.

"I'll let you two talk alone," said Sharon.

"Thanks," said Kaylee.

"No problem, honey," said Sharon.

"I was worried about you," said Kaylee. "You didn't sound too excited at all on the phone."

I looked at her and said, "Why did Cokie thought that I was the one who changed?"

"Who told you that?" asked Kaylee, who got puzzled.

"Kristy overheard Cokie mentioning it to you. Dawn didn't buy it when she had the text from Kristy, who didn't believe it," I said.

"What! That's crazy!" exclaimed Kaylee as she came in and sat with me. "I don't believe Cokie at all either. I would never said that about you."

"I'm sorry about everything," I said. "I ruined everything today."

"No, you didn't," said Kaylee putting her arm around me. "I have been by your side since Kayla died. I was the one who told you that night. There are times that I do miss her, too, but she's in my heart. She'll always be remembered by us."

"I suppose you're right," I said.

"I admit it, I went overboard. And, I figured I'd do that to keep Kayla alive and I should've included you before going back to Maine. But I wasn't sure how you would've reacted," said Kaylee. "I know she would have been happy if we did it for her. We called it Kayla Strong in her honor before you moved here. You liked it, too."

"I did remember it when I saw the pictures of Kayla and those words when you emailed it to me after we came back," I said.

"It was my idea and the principal liked it," said Kaylee.

"I also supported Kayla," I pointed out.

"That's true you did and I'm very sorry if I hurt you," said Kaylee. "I had a feeling something was bugging you. I just didn't know what it was."

"And, I have a confession to make, too. I accidentally threw out the shirt because I was angry," I said.

"It's okay to admit that. Everyone have bad days when they're upset," said Kaylee.

"That's true," I said.

"I can make you another one if you want," said Kaylee.

"I would like that," I said.

We hugged and laughed.

The next day, Kaylee told me she made me another shirt and added, "I added the pictures with the three of us this time. Do you like that one better?"

"Yes, I do, thanks," I said.

But somehow, I'm still feeling depressed. So, I made a decision to see my new therapist, Dr. Mark Parks. Dr. Reece recommended me to him. She told him about my depression since Kayla's death. They worked together. I'll be seeing him on Monday after school.

On Monday, I was at the office in the waiting area when Dr. Parks came in and said, "Hi."

"Hi," I said.

We sat in the office.

"How are you doing these days?" asked Dr. Parks.

"Not well. I have been depressed. Kayla's anniversary just went by," I said.

"How long for her now?" asked Dr. Parks. "I remembered Dr. Reece told me that happened a few weeks after you came back from Iowa, which was in May."

"Yes. It was a year," I replied.

"Wow. Already," said Dr. Parks.

"It bugged me for awhile," I said.

"I'm sure," said Dr. Parks.

"They had a mass for her in Stoneybrook and I was nervous on how I would act," I said.

"What were you nervous about?" asked Dr. Parks.

"I would get emotional during her mass," I said.

"Your feelings are normal. I can see you're still having trouble to adjust your best friend's death," said the therapist.

"I am. We were very close. Kaylee did something special," I said as I explained everything.

"That's very good," said Dr. Parks.

"Yeah. We have friendship trouble sometimes, but we talk things out without a fight," I said. "Kaylee is glad when I tell her what's bothering me or when I'm jealous."

"It's good when you two work things out," said Dr. Parks

"I agree. I missed Kayla who used to help me with things like that," I said.

"I bet," said the therapist.

"At least I have you or Dad," I said. "Dr. Reece used to help me out as well."

"That's true. Oh, I heard you saved your friend, Michelle," said Dr. Parks. "Her therapist worked with me and Dr. Reece."

"I'm glad I did. She wanted to kill herself to join her best friend. She didn't want me to say anything, but I knew I shouldn't keep that promise, so I had the guts to tell my grandmother and her advice was to tell Ella right away, so that's what I did," I said.

"I'm very impressed on how you handled that," said Dr. Parks. "You were a good friend."

"I know. I realized I'd be angry at myself if I kept quiet," I said. "It's bad enough Kayla died and I didn't want to lose another friend while I was in Iowa. That would've been the worst vacation."

"I get what you're saying," said Dr. Parks.

"That was a scary moment for me," I said.

"I bet it was," agreed the therapist.

"I told Kaylee the way things were going, April and May would've been a tough month for me," I said.

We talked for a long time and felt much better knowing what was bothering me. I only saw him for two to three days. Kaylee and I became much a better team now. They kept those pictures of Kayla for the rest of the month. I'm glad now whenever I see that. I had printed that out and added it to my scrapbook.

The End


End file.
